i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
