Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
