yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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