we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
