2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
