I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
