she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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