What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
