If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
