the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
