Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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