I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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