dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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