so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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