there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
