Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
