Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
