i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
