It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
