after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.