im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child