I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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