You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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