Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
