Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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