I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
