hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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