In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
