The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
