i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
