Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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