I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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