highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We are all done wearing pants today
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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