So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
