the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
