The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
