even my farts smell like vagina
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
