so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize