I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I need water and some morals
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
