Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
True college students do jello shots in the library
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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