I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
