i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
