this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just invented taco cereal.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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