you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
