His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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