Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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