now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
