I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
