And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I look better un-naked...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
