well I can't set my house on fire every night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
40s are totally the cure
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
