i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
