Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
