I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
