So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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