i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
