He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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