so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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