I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
